Episode 12 - Friendship and Cheesecake

Friendship & Cheesecake 🍋

What does friendship look like in your Queenager era?

In this episode of Between Batches, we're sharing slices of lemon cheesecake and diving into the beautiful, complicated, and ever-changing world of friendship in midlife. From navigating different life stages and shifting expectations, to dealing with FOMO, loneliness, and the challenge of maintaining meaningful connections, we're talking about it all.

We discuss what being a good friend really means, how friendships evolve as we age, why some friendships grow deeper while others drift apart, and how to find grace for ourselves and the women around us. Along the way, we share personal stories, a few laughs, and plenty of reflections.

So grab a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake, and join us for an honest conversation about the friendships that shape our lives in this season.

Because life happens Between Batches.

#BetweenBatches #FriendshipAndCheesecake #QueenagerEra #MidlifeFriendship #WomenSupportingWomen #GoldenGirlsVibes #LifeHappensBetweenBatches

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Between Batches, where life happens between batches.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

We're two friends figuring out life in what we lovingly call our queenager era. I'm Ashley. And I'm Danielle.

SPEAKER_01 0:11

So while something's coming together in the kitchen, we're talking about everything else. So let's get to what we're batching today.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

What are we batching today?

SPEAKER_01 0:19

We are batching cheesecake with a strawberry, well, with fresh strawberries on top. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

We used our our topic today is friendship. So we went straight to the Golden Girls.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Absolutely, yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:34

And they had cheesecake in every episode.

unknown 0:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

Especially when they were at the table solving the world's problems.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

That's right, which is what we do every week. So um I we will share this recipe um up on our Instagram page and YouTube page as soon as this episode airs. Um, but this is my recipe, and it is kind of a pick and choose the favorite pieces of a lot of different recipes that I put together to actually make for my mother-in-law's birthday. So originally this recipe was made with like, you can see this, with like a strawberry like curd and then fresh strawberry compote on top. We didn't get all that fancy for today, but you absolutely can if you want to. We've just got our plain cheesecake with a short bread cookie crust.

SPEAKER_01 1:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Love that. And in the spirit of using what we have, I had a package of like those um Pepper Ridge Farms like chessman cookies that I used for the bottom, but I didn't have quite enough, so I just mixed it with a little bit of granola that I pulsed in the food processor. I like it. And it made a really yummy texture, so that's fun. Yeah, so we're just gonna slice this up, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

And it looks amazing. I know we just kind of like barely held it up, but um, okay. I don't know that this is gonna come out the way I want it to, but real life, folks. Yes. You are getting this real life with us.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Yes.

unknown 2:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

Got it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Alright, there's a piece for you. All right, yep, good. Okay. And I'm gonna grab a piece. And then we're just gonna do a DY DIY your own strawberry topping.

unknown 2:16

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

There we go. And I got half of your crust, so I'm going to share this with you.

unknown 2:23

There we go.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

Didn't get quite clean to the bottom.

unknown 2:27

No.

SPEAKER_00 2:28

I've made the world's largest mess, but that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

I mean, probably not.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

I mean, well, fair. Probably not actually the world's largest mess, but a pretty decent mess. Oh, you're probably gonna eat that with a fork and not your fingers, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:41

I mean for sure, but we'll get forks and we'll meet you at the table.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Yes, join us at the table. Okay, welcome to the table. So we are just gonna eat our cheesecake while we chat with you. True golden girls style.

SPEAKER_01 2:55

And let me tell you one thing we didn't tell you over there. This is a lemon cheesecake. It is, it's very delicious.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

It is super yummy. You should definitely make it.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

You should.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

Okay, so we are talking about friendships. So let's just dive right in. FOMO.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Fear of missing out. It is real. It is for sure. Can we just normalize it? That even at our beautiful Queen era, Queen Eight, Queen Ager era, we still have FOMO.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

Yeah, I mean, for sure. I know in different stages of life and um times, like there's the I mean, it's worse than others. Um, for sure. And when you see your friends hanging out with other friends, sometimes you definitely get FOMO.

SPEAKER_00 3:48

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Doing fun things. Um, I know there was a time, I mean, a handful of years ago when you guys were able to hang out with another couple a lot more. Um, and honestly, it was just the phase of life. Like my kiddos um were at the stage my daughter wasn't driving yet, and we were already lived an hour away, and we just didn't get to hang out as much. And I would be really sad sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

I get FOMO a lot more recently, I think. Okay, at least in our specific friendship. Um, well, that's not true, kind of in everything. So I think we've talked about this before. Like as I've gotten older and my hormones have changed, like I'm now becoming a crying person, which is very odd for me. But apparently it's also being like spilled over into like my FOMO portion. So if I know that friends are doing something without me, I get really super sad. And I'm not like I don't expect to be included in everything. But the other thing that I've also noticed, I can't believe I've been bitting this on camera, is that um my hormones, I'm going to blame them, have been playing tricks on me. And so, like, if somebody has to change plans or do something different, or maybe not show up when they said they were gonna show up because something else came up, or maybe I feel like they've spent more time with this friend or more available for this friend than they are for me. I get like real butthurt real quick.

unknown 5:18

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

I'm not really sure why this is happening, but my poor husband several times in the last couple months has been like, I'm sure that's not the way they meant that, or I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or I'm sure that you know, I'm just like, I don't know what's happening to me, but I feel like everybody's leaving me out.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

I definitely have had moments when we felt like that for sure, yes, and you know, sometimes it's like it's very real. Like I might have been invited to something, but we can't go because we have a family obligation or whatever, and I'm like, but all my people are having fun. I want to go have fun with them.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Yes, or sometimes my best friend is like because of nature of life, right? Like hanging out with this person or this person because kids' sports or kids, whatever, and I'm like, but I want to hang out with her, and I don't get to hang out with her.

SPEAKER_01 6:09

Yeah, I mean, for real, it's real, guys.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

The FOMO is real, it's okay to have it. Yes, normalize the FOMO.

unknown 6:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

So what happens? I mean, we kind of touched on this, but what happens when you have friends at different stages of life?

SPEAKER_00 6:26

Well, I think we kind of started talking about it, right? Like when you have friends that have kids that are a little bit younger, that can be hard because there's things that you want to do that do not always involve children. Yeah. Um, and then also, you know, on the opposite side of that, when you have friends that their kids are grown completely and out of the house and gone, and they can kind of just do whatever they want. Yeah. Um, we are quickly heading into the era too where now grandkids are gonna start to come into play for some of my friends, and so that will kind of start to I don't want to say interfere, but shift. Yes, that's a good word.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

Um, and it's just it's interesting. Like we have some friends that are getting ready to retire that we love to travel with, and I'm super excited for that because I know that their schedules are gonna open wide up, open, be wide open, and so we'll probably end up traveling with them a little bit more. And yeah, that's fun. I know what you're getting ready to head into. Yeah, well, and I know what you're getting ready to head into with um your daughter gonna be a senior. I just just finished that. We just graduated, um, and so I know how much focus that holds from my life um with my daughter, and so I'm kind of like I think pre-mourning that a little bit because I'm like, okay, she is gonna be we're gonna have a full skin, real occupied. Yeah, yeah. Um, and I've already tried to, you don't know this yet, but I've already started to be like, okay, where can I go help her so that I can still spend time with her?

SPEAKER_01 8:03

Yeah, I know. We just finished out and we're officially like done with school for the year, and I that means that senior year is fast approaching knocking on the door slowly.

SPEAKER_00 8:16

Well, and senior year starts at summertime. Yeah, it does not wait till fall.

SPEAKER_01 8:20

For sure.

SPEAKER_00 8:20

Yeah, the things. So how do you do you have friends that are in like different stages and phases of life?

SPEAKER_01 8:26

For sure. So with my like um my high school friends that I'm really close with, we have we are on like our kids are on the older end, um, for sure. And with my like in the same thing with like our we have a couple of couples from church um who are the same age as us, but their kids are a lot younger. Um and then my work friends from my first big kid job, um we kind of our kids are kind of all around the same age, which is kind of nice, but yeah, I mean we definitely have different pockets and even I mean, different ages of kids and different priorities and things that they're involved in. Um, when we were younger, like I mean, even just five or six years ago, yeah. My friends from high school, every summer we would take a trip to a lake, which is only a few hours from our house. And but every summer without fail, for probably five or six summers we did it, and then some of those kids started getting older and had sports, and so that the schedules then you know, you just once your schedule gets full, unfortunately, some of the things take a back seat for a little while and they come full circle, I think.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

But I think so too.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

For a while eventually, yeah, for a while things change, but for sure, yeah, for sure, yes.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

Oh, well, what did since we're talking about your high school group of friends, what did friendships look like when you were younger versus what they may look like now?

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Yeah, I think that now, even though well, I mean, I think even though we think when we're in high school and college that like these are the best friends and they're like so deep, I think the reality for myself at least is that like the friendships that I have now, whether they started in that phase of life and have continued, or whether they started in this adult phase of life, um, these friendships are deeper. Yeah, and it doesn't make them any less friends. It's just I think it's a deeper connection, and I think you go deep fast. Um yeah, at least I feel like that's how it's been with you and a couple others.

SPEAKER_00 10:52

True. Well, we don't have time to waste. Well, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

I mean, I think that's exactly it. Like, it's like cut the bluff. Is this somebody that I actually want to spend time with or not?

SPEAKER_00 11:03

Right. Yeah, can we be friends or can we not be friends? Yeah, for sure. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

Oh, well, what is your expectation of friendship and how has that changed over time?

SPEAKER_01 11:15

Um, I think that's a really tough question. I'm not sure when I think about expectations. Um, I think I really just look at like, and not when I need you and I call, are you there? Because again, there are things, but just like, what does that support look like? What does that back and forth look like? What is that um, you know, as we talked about in our faith episode, are they somebody who is supporting me and growing me and pushing me to be a better me um or not? And um as we said in that episode too, you become like the five people you spend the most time with. That's true, and I think your marriage becomes like the five couples you spend the most time with. And so um, I think that the expectation maybe more that I put on myself is that I'm picking people that I would be okay with growing like. Yeah, yeah. What about you?

SPEAKER_00 12:14

So I think when I was younger, my expectation was you just had somebody that like you always had plans with, like that's just your person that's always there. Um and I feel like I had a pretty tough time transitioning that. I feel like I still kind of do a little bit sometimes. Like I want my people to always be there. Um that's just I think who I am. Um but I think it's more about I think a lot lately about when something happens, good or bad, who are the people that I instantly feel like I need to tell? Like who are those people? And that really helps me kind of prioritize like that's a good perspective. Yeah, like who is in my inner circle? Yeah. And here's the deal: I've realized as I've gotten older, you have like this truly tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny inner circle of people that know all your deep, dark, dirty. And then you have like a next layer of people that know you well, that you see frequently, that you enjoy their company, and then you have another layer of people layer of people that you see because you're in the same areas and circles of life and times of life, but maybe you're not like they're not getting your deep dark secrets or even your next layer of secrets, and they're probably not seeing your house dirty, right? Right, and then you have the outside circle of that, even where it's just acquaintances where like you see them maybe once or twice a year and you say hello and that's fine. Right. Um, yeah, and just kind of being okay with that and knowing who falls where and why.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

Yeah, and knowing that sometimes in those two inner circles, I feel like I have some friends that kind of maybe sometimes fluctuate back and forth. Um, and that may just have to do with the time of life, time of life, and if you know we have the time to be together and yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:08

I think you're right also with the five couples that you hang out with, hubby and I actually were having this conversation not that long ago, um, where we were talking about the couples that we hang out with and how they're all couples that have been married like 20 plus years, and how unusual that is, this day and age that we have, you know, I mean, just off the top of my head, probably seven or eight couples that we hang out with regularly that have been married to a single human for 20 plus years, and how this day and age that is just not the norm. That's true, but when you have your marriage as your priority and your family as your priority, I think you naturally you gravitate you gravitate towards those those people.

SPEAKER_01 14:57

I agree. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, and do you feel like social media like kind of plays a role in that circle at least? The circle.

SPEAKER_00 15:09

I will tell you the only place I think for me personally that social media plays a big role in my friendships is like that's our form of communication. That's why we send each other like So it's helpful then. I think it's helpful. I think, at least in my circle of friends, my first two circles, it's very helpful because we pretty much just will be like, I have one, okay. So here you get to know we have one group that is the menopause group. Um, that is just all of us wives that are in menopause, and we send each other really funny things in there that we see on social media. Um, so that's great. And then we also have another group that's just for foodies that we send each other pretty much recipes the whole time, is all we send each other. Um, and then we have another group that's just like neighbors, and and we have a group that's gardening, and it sounds like a lot of groups, it's really not that big of a deal, but um, it is funny. I that's how I think social media really plays into my friendships currently, is really just like recipes, gardening tips, memes, new restaurants. That's a big one.

SPEAKER_01 16:14

Yeah, how um I think that it has been interesting, I would definitely say helpful or just kind of neutral. Um, because I know there are some people who I am friends with on social media who I've never met in real life. Yep. Um, but maybe we have followed each other for pre-Instagram days, like back in the blogger days. Right. And I kind of feel like I know them, even though I don't really know them. So that's like for me, even maybe like a whole nother like layer of people out there. Um yeah, I mean, I think I've seen in my daughter's friendships where social media can be harmful though, just with the FOMO or potentially intentional exclusion, but um, things like that where um, you know, it's maybe not helpful, but I think when you grow older um and you have more discernment with the people that you follow and interact with, then I think it's good.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

Not harmful at least.

SPEAKER_00 17:20

Not yeah, not as harmful, it can be helpful, right?

SPEAKER_01 17:23

Yeah, yep. Okay, what is our next so what do you do when your expectation of a friendship or expectations um don't match with that person, or those expectations aren't necessarily being met?

SPEAKER_00 17:38

So I think you have two choices when that happens, and this might seem harsh, and I'm okay with that because I'm too old to mince words, yes. Um, but I think you have two options. One, you can move that person into an acquaintance circle, or you can just cut ties. And I think that this is a hard thing to do, and I have done this well over the years, and I have done it very poorly over the years in the way I've handled situations, and I I knew I was finally growing as a human and who I wanted to be and who I wanted to have in my circle when I had a friendship that was not a super healthy friendship, and this person did go get healthy, and I was so proud of them and so happy for them, and wanted to rekindle the friendship. And I, as kindly as I could, just said, I am so glad that you have found what you need and the help that you need. And I am cheering for you and praying for you, and I I wish nothing but the best for you, but I think that this particular friendship is better just left in the acquaintance category, and I will always be here to cheer you on and support you in anything you do, but I just can't welcome back the type of friendship we had. And that was a really that is a really hard conversation, really, really, really hard conversation. And I am very grateful that this person was received that as well as she possibly could and handled it with grace. And um that was hard, but it was also one of those things where when you just realize it's not right, it's not right, and it doesn't have to be ugly, it doesn't have to be nasty, it can just be like a mutual like hey, you don't get my weird, I don't get your weird. We can just say hello and be kind, we don't have to be best friends, right?

SPEAKER_01 19:29

Um yeah, yeah, and I think like it probably depends on you know what those expectations like obviously it's nuanced, and that can depend. Um, I know I often seek my husband's advice, and I'm like, okay, am I being unreasonable here?

SPEAKER_00 19:47

I do that with my hubby.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

Or like what's going on? Yeah, like do you think this is yeah, because I mean the reality of our situations is that those guys know us really, really well and know when I am being unreasonable. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

Um, and although he probably wouldn't use that word. No, because that might interest.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Also isn't afraid to call me out a little bit, right?

SPEAKER_00 20:12

Or at the very least, say, you know, I really think you should call that person and have that conversation, which I think is helpful. But that's my opinion. I think when you realize that it's not working, you have two options move into the acquaintance category or cut it off completely. Um, because why? Why would you just it's like to me, it's like beating your head against that same wall. Why would you do that?

SPEAKER_01 20:32

The in this phase and stage and era of life, like we have recognized that our time, and I'm not speaking time on earth, but our time in a day is limited. And um, I heard it said the other day that time isn't a clock or a watch, time is your life, and um, you have to choose how you use it, and so you're not choosing how to use the minutes that are clicking by, you're choosing how to use your life and what to do with your life. That's really deep. I know, right? So I thought through I was like, oh, I like that. I'm gonna take that. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

So speaking of time, how do you balance being a good friend with the very limited time and energy that we all seem to have these days?

SPEAKER_01 21:21

I think for me, oh my gosh, I keep hitting this. Sorry, friends. Yeah, um, so I think for me it is the little check-ins, like we have mentioned on a different episode that we love to use the app Marco Polo.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

I do love Marco Polo.

SPEAKER_01 21:36

And you know, whether it's sending a text, I will be totally transparent and honest with you guys. I use the reminders on my phone for a lot of things. So I have a friend um who lost her son um when he was very little, and I it's in my calendar, um, and I text her every year on a Birthday, and a couple of years back, she was like, Ashley, you are the only person that reaches out every year. And I said, Well, I'm gonna be totally honest with you, like it's in my calendar, and she's like, I don't care that you have to remind yourself, it means a lot that you care enough to do it, and so it's doing those little things to remind myself because I just think about if it was me and the roles were reversed, how would I want someone to take care of me? And how would I want them? And so, yeah, I don't care if you're setting up reminder or an alarm to call me, like just call me. That's what matters. The phone call is what matters, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

So um, I am getting or at least attempting to get better about things like that. Um, I did not learn at a young age how to do those things. I think some families are really good about you know, always sending cards, always sending well wishes, always getting gifts, like that kind of thing. Um just not that great at it. Not for any, I mean it wasn't purposeful, it just was. Um, and my husband is so good at that. Like he is the best, and he is so good about I mean, he could have not talked to somebody in person for five, 10 years, but if we're even passing through the city on a plane, he'll be like, Hey, I have a three-hour layover, or hey, I go into your city. And he's just he's so great about that, and I appreciate that about him so much, and so I am striving to get better about that, and just you know, texting people or calling them or Marco Poloing them, even if I have nothing to say, I am still terrible about dates, birth dates, anniversaries, death dates, things like I like I'm terrible. Um, I should start putting them in my calendar. Um, but I do try to at the very least, like if I'm thinking about somebody at some point, use that as a prompt to just be like, hey, I don't really have anything to chat about, but I just wanted to say hey and see how you're doing.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Yeah. Um my husband is so good, he calls all of his people on their birthday.

SPEAKER_00 24:06

Like he calls me on my birthday.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

No, you're one of these people, but like that's what I mean. Like, I'll like send a text or something, he's like, but did you call them? I'm like, dude, he's like, call them, and I'm like, I know.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

He's really good at it. I think both of our husbands are really good about that. They're very thoughtful, which I think is a wonderful quality. So if you are looking for a husband, look for one that has that quality because very thoughtful. It will sometimes drive you crazy because they talk to all the people all the time, but the positives outweigh the negatives.

SPEAKER_01 24:41

Okay, should we move on to what we're currently craving? I think we should. Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_00 24:46

You want me to go first? Sure. What are you doing? Okay, so mine is really silly. My current craving is squishy butter. Have you guys seen the squishy butter? It is like all over all the things. So squishy, like so soft and cloud, soft, and it just like squishes all the way down, and then you have to like wait for it to pop up, and it's like light and airy and pillowy, almost like and these particular ones have a scent too.

SPEAKER_01 25:14

They do.

SPEAKER_00 25:15

Did you know that? Okay, they do, they smell like a buttery shortbread cookie, they're really yummy. Um, so Bug at her graduation, we this is she got this from one of our inner circle friends for Christmas, and absolutely it was like the hit of Christmas. Like, forget the fact that we gave her some really cool stuff this last year, but the squishy butter was the hit, and hers is like really big. And so for her graduation party, we had a more intimate dinner with some of our closer friends, and we gave everybody squishy butter to take home. And I love it, and I'm hoping that they are loving squishing their squishy butter as much. So, um, I will link this for you on our Pinterest page if you would like to acquire your own squishy butter.

SPEAKER_01 26:03

My son has a pound box of squishy butter, like basically he took all four of our butter and put it together like it was like and anybody that didn't want theirs, he was like, Can I have your squishy butter? That's pretty funny.

SPEAKER_00 26:15

It was really funny.

SPEAKER_01 26:16

Yes, so my current craving, I'm tying it into friendship and summer a little bit. Okay. This is um JBL speaker, and we love to be outside with music um anytime we have people over or we're like working outside, gardening, whatever, um, even if it's quiet. And this particular version, I actually learned this from your son when we were on a trip together.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

Because he is the one that has gotten all of us addicted to these, yes.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

So he had three of them and they will all sink together.

SPEAKER_00 26:49

So this version will sink together, and I love that because you can have surround sound, and they're like waterproof and they have some really good sound. He got one for hubby for Christmas a couple years ago, and that thing goes everywhere with us. It's amazing. Yeah, on the boat, we take it on the boat too, and even if they're not all yours, like sh like they can have their family can bring theirs, my son can bring his, my husband can bring his, and they can all sync together. It's really cool.

SPEAKER_01 27:14

It's pretty fun. So, yes, we will link these um on our Pinterest page for sure, and um again, not sponsored, but just things that we love and we enjoy.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

Yes, okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

So, I think we have a question on the table for our listeners. We do. What is our question? Our question is basically this friendships. Are they harder now or were they harder when you were younger? And take younger for whatever it's worth.

SPEAKER_00 27:40

Yeah. Oh. I'm going to say different hard.

SPEAKER_01 27:46

I yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:47

I think when they were younger, it was more of the dramatic girl, mean girl, mean girl type hard. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

Um, and now that we're older, I think it is just more of the the FOMO and the missing of the friend and the not getting to and I think for me, I'm still kind of navigating some friendships too, where it's like they're kind of on the cusp between are we good friends? Are we just kind of friends? Like, and just kind of knowing that nuance.

SPEAKER_00 28:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:21

Like, I know what I want it to look like, but I don't know what they want it to look like, sort of thing, too.

SPEAKER_00 28:25

And I think making friends at this age is definitely harder. It's not like when you're a little kid and you can just be like, hey, I'm Danielle, do you want to be friends? And yeah, I do, and you go on with your day. Now it's more like, will we jive on all the things?

SPEAKER_01 28:38

Like I agree. Yeah, so tell us in the comments do you think friendship is harder now or when you're younger? Yes. And if this episode resonated with you, um, we would love if you would share it with your friends and like and subscribe.

SPEAKER_00 28:52

We will see you back here next Tuesday for our next batch. Bye, friends.